A Sense of Contentment

The very idea of returning to UST now terrifies me. But at the same time I just want to be there. Every week I spent at UPLB makes me crave more to just go to the HS Benches and stare for hours and hours and hours on end. When I am already there, I just wish I could teleport immediately to the comforts of my very small dorm room at UP.

I just wish when I'm at UST someone would just come up and ask me how I am. Even if the relationship is as distant as the distance covering UST to UPLB, I'll be a lot friendlier than the time I've been inside the Pontifical university. In fact, a whole lot nicer. In fact, a whole new me.

Yeh, people pointed out to me that the whole point of me going back to my roots is just schadenfreude but I keep telling myself it's not. Not at all. Just a fancy of seeing a familiar face is the only reason I keep going back to Espana at all. Yes, even the sight of the people I have a sour relationship with will give me a smile on my tired, old face.

Now that I have a lot of free time, I am able to reach through my repressions and start dealing with them. My issues are no longer the bane of my life. Like I said, a whole new me will face the people that I have conflicting beliefs with. So I guess it's time to ask for an apology.

I'm sorry. To all of the people I have been very difficult with, I can only give a most sincere apology from a too-tattered soul. If you don't believe me this time, it's only right because I know I've been pretentious with all of you. I've been, in fact, evil in my dealings. I acknowledge the pride that goes in and out of my system, a pride that gave rise to too much emotional damage. A pride that destroyed a friendship I could've treasured.

Now, I feel truly free. Yep, there's a 99.9% chance that some of the people to whom the above apology is addressed won't be able to read this entry, however, I'm still hoping and, yes, praying.

Soon, I'll be able to convince myself that it's time to let go of the past and start rebuilding from the debris. I'll finally be able to wake up in the morning with no dark thing staining my heart. No envy, pride, anger or any form of malice shall corrupt me. Ah, I can't wait for that time.

You may say that I'm just pretending to like UPLB. Nope, I'm not. As I said, I love it there. I was given the chance for self-fulfillment, I will never lose that chance again, ever.

I've merely pointed the fact that I'm not welcome anymore at my old school. That, I acknowledge though it pains me. There will come a time when the old, the familiar, the common will become even more stranger than the new things one will encounter in the future. But if one can't help it....

I have a lot to get out of my system. Now, one by one, they're beginning to drain from my body and soul, and the process is just as bad as when feeding them inside. Like a smoker trying to quit. The withdrawal symptoms just keep exacerbating everything: anger, depression, denial. But there will be that one point when everything has to come out. And I think I'm nearly there. I'm already at the acceptance part.

So, that's that.