"Do I dare disturb the universe?"

Clarity

2008-11-02T13:38:00.003+08:00

My future has never been more crystal clear. Unlike the past years, I've been thinking and wracking up my brain just to experience that speck of clarity. I don't know what I am talking about but it's just that I want to have a conviction. A conviction to do something without paying heed to its presented hindrances. It was so easy before I entered college, with me saying to myself, "I'll be a great doctor someday!" But now everything seems to be reversed. Here I am cursing and trying to get out from the logical process of going into a white collar job. Here I am in the bottom of the academic food chain. Here I am, naked, in full delusion of a conviction. And yet there is still that voice that says go on. A voice that keeps me from quitting. A voice that says you're meant for this.

Never has my future been more clear. And I stand up saying I will go on. And I will never quit. I shall love my profession and endow and partake in its inherent dignity and responsibility.

Bow.

Ta Dah!

2008-10-06T19:17:00.001+08:00

Whoever said Grad School is the easy way out should die!

Now, it's time I turn my attention to just 4 research papers I have to pass before I read for two major exams.

Sigh, I'm tired.

And, not so surprisingly,

I love this!

Sublime

2008-08-24T22:46:00.002+08:00

Call me a nut, a fanatic, a zealot, a bigot, a radical. I really don't care. I can't keep this from myself anymore. For days and days, I spent all of my internet time just visiting this particular site. Over and over again, I would watch this video. This video and me, alone. Be it in my dorm, or at my house. I can't stop from spending an hour or so just watching and listening to this video alone. What can I say? It's pure, unadulterated beauty. Unaffected by the tides of the current generation. Sublime truth embedded in sublime tradition.

What am I talking about? I'm talking about a current craze. Not the badly addictive types but the one that brings peace of mind whenever I have the opportunity to encounter it. I'm talking about Gregorian Chants. Not those awful Gregorian-renditions of popular songs, but the authentic and true-blue Gregorian Chant. The one that for over a thousand years has been a gem in the musical heritage of our Church. The one that commands great respect whenever one hears it. And to some and to a degree I dutifully agree, is a "mystical" language. Now, I've heard that Latin is one of the few languages that actually evokes a sense of sanctity, a reverence, when it is heard or spoken. I don't know much about the linguistics of this particular language but this is a language I would rather learn and spend my time with (rather than, say, Spanish!).

So, out of interest and out of faith, I've memorized The Lord's Prayer and Anima Christi in Latin.

The Lord's Prayer

Pater noster, qui es in caelis

sanctificetur nomen tuum

adveniat regnum tuum

fiat voluntas tua

sicut in caelo et in terra

panem nostrum

quotidianum da nobis hodie

et dimitte nobis debita nostra

sicut et nos dimittimus

debitoribus nostris

et ne nos inducas

in tentationem

sed libera nos a malo.

Amen.

Anima Christi

Anima Christi, sanctifica me

Corpus Christi, salva me

Sanguis Christi, inebria me

Aqua lateris Christi, lava me

Passio Christi, conforta me

O bone Jesu, exaudi me

Intra tua vulnera absconde me

Ne permittas me separari a te

Ab hoste maligno defende me

In hora mortis meae, voca me

Et iube me, venire ad te

Ut cum Sanctis Tuis laudem te

In saecula saeculorum

Amen.

(I've just typed them from memory, so if there's anything wrong just PM me).

Now, it's time I let the music speak for itself:

I Wish It Was Chocolate

2008-08-18T22:49:00.002+08:00

Gah! I know I should be finishing my slideshow now but I can't even start typing up a single entry. My report is supposed to be easy. In fact, the lighter one it's been called. Oh, they could never be more wrong!

I will be giving a talk tomorrow on a completely foreign subject: Infertility and In Vitro Fertilization. This will be a monthly project for my ReproPhysio subject. In fact, it will be one of the major requirements for the course.

Yep, I know there's a lot of stuff out in the internet. Hey, I spent all week scrounging around Google! But that's precisely the problem. There's too many stuff. It's information overload! I've been wracking my brains trying to decide what website I will include (my professors are quite touchy about our sources, mind you). Should I just rely on Wikipedia? Or should I rely instead on those mind blowing articles?

Case in point: I've just read a 10-page article regarding the early history of in vitro fertilization. It started okay at first and when I finished the section about the attempts on improving protocols in in vitro fertilization, the author suddenly delved into sperm capacitation and to make matters worst, decided on a comparative analysis of all known experiments of IVF in all classes of animals. I just wasted ink. I thought this was a definitive article on IVF's history and all I get is just a slice of the bigger pie.

Professional bias. So true. And now, back to Keynote.

Premonitions

2008-08-18T00:18:00.002+08:00

Weird dream last night. I was back at UST. Facing the same old tired faces. The same old hardships. The same old situations. Climbing the same old steep stairs. Only difference is, I am happy. And I was wearing a "white uniform."

Now what could that mean?

On a lighter note, I got more offers the past few weeks: two research assistantships. Although it sounds quite appealing, being an RA means going to all parts of the PI collecting God-knows how many species of fishes. And the fact that I only have to get the minimum number of units per sem. If I agree, instead of finishing 2 years, I have to extend it to 4.

Anyway, I've already informed quite a few important acquaintances that I shall be leaving for med school right after obtaining my MS at UPLB. I'm thinking of applying to UST, UE and maybe, if the fates allow, at UP Manila (I heard they have an MD Ph.D. there, only at Public Health, though).

I'm quite excited really at the prospect of Med School but right now I intend to just enjoy my time at UPLB. I'm now emotionally attached to that place right there. Truly, I can call it home away from home.

Intoxicated

2008-08-03T16:23:00.000+08:00

(Haha...)

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Someone you always thought was very introverted is going to prove you wrong today, when they explode out of their shell and cook up an exciting party plan. Find out how you can hop on board this party express! Things are changing in their life in exciting ways, and you couldn't be happier for them. Don't be surprised if they reveal to you in a quiet moment that you were the inspiration for much of their growth. Try to pretend that you never suspected it.

Nota Bene

2008-07-28T20:54:00.002+08:00

Whew, I need a breather. The tests last week were just....argh...I don't know! Damn it! I studied all week, stayed up late, and drank a liter worth of instant coffee. When the tests were handed out, I almost fainted! But it's weird, I feel irritated and entertained. For some reason, I'm finding everything that's gone the past week laughable. Pathological? Nah, I'm just weird.

So anyway, since the tests of the major subjects are now finished, I guess I already have the right to "evaluate" my first two months at Los Banos.

Here are a few things I've learned:

Take notes. Always take notes since most classes don't prescribe a single textbook. Your notes and your prof''s lecture will serve as synthesis of all recommended readings, so if you don't want to digest 450-pages of font-10 textbooks, you'd better start jotting down your prof's lecture.

Make friends. Not only with your classmates, but with your profs as well. In my case, being in the MS program, it's highly essential to know the who's who in the faculty (if you're into research, you know what "who's who" means). Make friends too with the staff. During application and enrollment period, the GS people were more than happy to accommodate and assist me: from getting to and fro inside the campus, to what should I expect during my stay there. They were nice, as in first-name-basis nice, unlike some in the registrar at UST: they look, talk and act as if they don't want to do anything with the students. Some even have the temerity to shout at a student! (one reason why I was so happy to get away from there).

Take control. Since I'm not an undergrad anymore, I have a say to what goes on in my schedule or in my studies. Taking control means being able to do what you want as long as it's reasonable. Taking control means being a professional.

Be reasonable. This is a must especially if one's about to undertake a master's thesis. Remember, aside from making a significant research, a master's student should be able to finish his/her degree just in time. The less time you obtain your degree, the better (esp. the scholars!)

Never say die. A lesson in life I've personally experienced even before my 2 month stay at UPLB. There is always hope. Although failure means blaming yourself, failure will just be another stepping stone towards your future.

So much is going through my mind, I can't find the words that would really give meaning to what I want to express. What I want others to feel. But that's inspiration for you, just when you had a spark, you suddenly find yourself without the tools of your trades.

Cheers. I'll see some of you on Aug. 2. (If you don't know, just text me.)

Undergrad

2008-07-15T22:01:00.002+08:00

I effing feel like an undergrad. My head is still in a whirl after reading the first 2o pages of the 150-page Endocrinology handouts for my Repro Physio subject. But wow...haha...I know it's nerdy but I just find it funny and fulfilling to be doing this thing again. Although I hate the coming "tides," I shall welcome with open arms the sleepless nights and the staying-up-late. What I didn't do during my undergrad, I'll make sure I'll do during my graduate years like, say, studying! Also, it feels like it's going to be a lot easier because I only rely on books for secondary info, lecture notes are still the vital materials for reviewing stuff. But, gosh, reading 3 books and a 150-page handout for an essay test worth 25 points... soon enough, I'll be pointing a gun at my temple!

But I know hope is somewhere out there. So I'll pray, hope and study! My personal mantra for this semester. I have to do well this year especially with my upcoming scholarship application. I hope I'll be able to acquire a sense of competitiveness or, at least, the drive to do well in school.

Oh, did I mention memorizing stuff is not enough? Haha.

Cheers man! Peace! I'll see some of you on Friday....again! Oh, and we won't drink. We SHOULDN'T drink. I need to study (was that me?).

Acquiring Wisdom

2008-07-07T00:12:00.002+08:00

The Guest House

This being human is a guest hose.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

meet them at the door laughing,

and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

Written by Jalal al-Din Rumi

(Translated by Coleman Barks)

A Sense of Contentment

2008-07-06T02:11:00.000+08:00

The very idea of returning to UST now terrifies me. But at the same time I just want to be there. Every week I spent at UPLB makes me crave more to just go to the HS Benches and stare for hours and hours and hours on end. When I am already there, I just wish I could teleport immediately to the comforts of my very small dorm room at UP.

I just wish when I'm at UST someone would just come up and ask me how I am. Even if the relationship is as distant as the distance covering UST to UPLB, I'll be a lot friendlier than the time I've been inside the Pontifical university. In fact, a whole lot nicer. In fact, a whole new me.

Yeh, people pointed out to me that the whole point of me going back to my roots is just schadenfreude but I keep telling myself it's not. Not at all. Just a fancy of seeing a familiar face is the only reason I keep going back to Espana at all. Yes, even the sight of the people I have a sour relationship with will give me a smile on my tired, old face.

Now that I have a lot of free time, I am able to reach through my repressions and start dealing with them. My issues are no longer the bane of my life. Like I said, a whole new me will face the people that I have conflicting beliefs with. So I guess it's time to ask for an apology.

I'm sorry. To all of the people I have been very difficult with, I can only give a most sincere apology from a too-tattered soul. If you don't believe me this time, it's only right because I know I've been pretentious with all of you. I've been, in fact, evil in my dealings. I acknowledge the pride that goes in and out of my system, a pride that gave rise to too much emotional damage. A pride that destroyed a friendship I could've treasured.

Now, I feel truly free. Yep, there's a 99.9% chance that some of the people to whom the above apology is addressed won't be able to read this entry, however, I'm still hoping and, yes, praying.

Soon, I'll be able to convince myself that it's time to let go of the past and start rebuilding from the debris. I'll finally be able to wake up in the morning with no dark thing staining my heart. No envy, pride, anger or any form of malice shall corrupt me. Ah, I can't wait for that time.

You may say that I'm just pretending to like UPLB. Nope, I'm not. As I said, I love it there. I was given the chance for self-fulfillment, I will never lose that chance again, ever.

I've merely pointed the fact that I'm not welcome anymore at my old school. That, I acknowledge though it pains me. There will come a time when the old, the familiar, the common will become even more stranger than the new things one will encounter in the future. But if one can't help it....

I have a lot to get out of my system. Now, one by one, they're beginning to drain from my body and soul, and the process is just as bad as when feeding them inside. Like a smoker trying to quit. The withdrawal symptoms just keep exacerbating everything: anger, depression, denial. But there will be that one point when everything has to come out. And I think I'm nearly there. I'm already at the acceptance part.

So, that's that.

A Sense of Fulfillment

2008-07-01T18:04:00.003+08:00

(Warning: Nerdy talk)

I'm beginning to like UPLB. Yup, that's the truth. I love it here. I really love it here. For the very first time in my life, I'm beginning to have a sense of fulfillment. Finally, I have something to look forward in the future.

At first I thought I'll just be treating my MS as a scapegoat from the inescapable fact of life of a BS Biology graduate. Just because I am does not mean I have to take up medicine. Before, I was desperate of escaping that, and I'm also aware of the dangers of taking the alternatives.

And then, at some point, I said to myself, what the hell! I'll take up an MS and I'll be proud of it! And that I am. I have never been happy during my undergrad years. But now is compensating for all that I lost. I have good friends, I have good teachers. And most importantly, I make use of my previous education.

And I also acquired a new point of view. Having been raised in a household where white-collar jobs are revered, I used to believe that being a doctor means being the most successful person, the most powerful, and most importantly, the most respected. But now, professors are my heroes. That sounds corny and almost ass-kiss-like. But, again, that's the simple truth. I can't help but be impressed by the people I now call my superiors: they're diligent and they're intelligent. In fact, these PhD holders are as good as any MD. Some, in fact, are even better than most of MDs I have met over the past years. (I keep thinking about what my professor said the other day, he was resenting the fact that he can't teach at a college of medicine despite having taken more units in both human and animal physiology and possessing a post-doctoral degree in Pharmacology). Anyway, I know some people will be offended but we all have our prejudices.

Peace!

Mis-Informed?

2008-06-15T23:56:00.002+08:00

Hi guys. I won't be blogging for a certain amount of time because it's already the start of a new life at UPLB. Please pray for me to get through any difficulties I will encounter. Oh, and also for my safety. Those who would like to still keep in touch just text me 09175377730. We'll have a party!

Honesty that Permeates the Skin

2008-06-12T18:56:00.003+08:00

Well guys, I guess this is it. There's no turning back. 5 days before I'm really gone. I'm worried. To be honest, I kind of envy my former classmates: For the whole of my life I have always envisioned myself wearing the trademark white uniform of soon-to-be doctors. But I guess now is not yet the time. Some other time, I might be able to make something of myself and be able to live my dreams. So that's that. For now.

Wow. I never expected to have so much friends since that. I thought I'll never rise from the ashes. I guess St. Augustine was right in making a ladder out of our vices. Anyway, I'm so much thankful to my high school friends. All of you are really the best!

Oh, and another personal promise must be mentioned. If I receive no gratification in any form by whatever means possible, I guess there's nothing left to do but forget you. I hope you know who you are.

So Far Away

2008-06-08T20:50:00.002+08:00

Wow. I'm going crazy!

I am in a deep predicament. When I received the phone call from UST Grad School, I was greatly surprised! I never thought this would happen due to the fact that I delayed my application. But anyway, I am still a little bit shocked! In a sense that it has put everything in another perspective. It has presented to me some indefinite possibilities. Oh alright! A new possibility that, finally, does not border on vengeance. In fact I would like to see that it's a chance to redeem myself. But I don't think I'll take fate up on that. I'm already registered at UPLB. Ditching everything in there will be a disappointment to the people that helped me get accepted at the Grad School. Not to mention a great dishonor to them. So maybe I'll have this self-redeeming phase some other time.

Twilight

2008-06-05T21:17:00.003+08:00

New Addiction. Because nothing new or exciting ever comes into my life I need another Harry Potter. Without something like that...well...I don't know how I'll ever exist.

Must ....

Read ....

New Moon.

Sheesh! I don't know why I like reading Stephanie Meyer's books. The series has all of my very unfavorite themes: vampires and a sappy love story. Every 10 pages or so my eyes roll.

I'm an idiot.

Headache

2008-06-02T22:23:00.002+08:00

Ouch. I think my high blood condition is revving up again. And this time it might be serious. Well, I can blame the roasted chicken and that oh-so sinfully tasty juice. I get hungry just trying to picture out me spreading the skin, the oil and the juice all over the fluffy rice. Seriously, I am in considerable pain but nothing a good dose of paracetamol and some amateurish yoga exercises can't cure.

Actually, I feel a whole lot better now. And I think it's because of some yoga stances I tried from the "Let's Yoga" on the DS. And with that, it just made me convinced to try a yoga class at Makati instead of splurging out PHP 2,500 worth of slide films. Hey, 1,5k is still manageable (haha!).

Gearing Up

2008-06-01T14:37:00.002+08:00

With only two weeks before I move to UPLB, I still have much to do: prepare, pack, buy.

For instance, I haven't bought a standard set of clothes like polo shirts, some jeans and a pair of shoe that I'll use when going to class. I know there's no dress code at the Graduate School but I want to look nice. For a change. At least, look like a professional har har.

Also, I still have to buy some minor appliances like a coffee maker, water dispenser and, hopefully, a heater. Oh, I forgot, the mattress and the sheets!

Now, when I get to UPLB I plan to take with me at least 5 rolls of 120 color films and 5 rolls of B/W. So when I get there I won't be bored out of mind.

All that's left to do...is scrounge and haggle up for the money hehe.

Skinned!

2008-05-31T13:12:00.003+08:00

Shit. It's sale in Glorietta and the Lacoste store has a few bags for sale. Argh! I don't have any money right now. Sheesh!

Anyway, I'm on my way to Team Manila store to buy some accessories for my Holga. That doesn't qualify as panacea but I guess it'll have to do.

'Bye all.

Anxiety and Addiction Kill Us All

2008-05-31T00:02:00.002+08:00

Today, I am proud to say that I will no longer darken the hallowed steps of my dear alma mater. It's official: I'm going to UPLB. Nobody can stop me now, yup, even if my mom wants me to stay at UST, well, I won't be persuaded by a matter-of-life lectures. This time I'm taking command of the ship.

But 8 years! The longest period I've ever spent in my whole life was in UST: I've loved, I've lived and laughed there. Like old TV reruns, good memories pop up so unexpectedly, so suddenly. And now I'm leaving it.

Of course there is always that initial excitement. The kind of excitement that will always be crushed once we are faced with the paroxysm of reality. But life's not perfect, so I guess I have to live through the imperfections--and learn to love it. What the heck, I've been doing that for more than 8 years now, anyway, 4 more won't matter very much.

Along with the initial excitement comes the age-old anxiety attack. I call this as such because I'm always troubled by my expectations of the future. Some where in my mind, there is always that cynical voice that tells me misfortunes happen and, sooner or later, will happen to me. But with that "cynical voice" comes a degree of apathy. Actually, it'd be suitable if I call it a hedonistic flair: just something that says to ride the waves and not to be mindful of every fall.

But there's something very much different from that anxiety attack I've experienced 4 years ago. Before, I was a bit reckless in dealing with things, but now, glad to say I've prepped up for the coming tides. And in this way, the very memories that I resented up until now become valuable life-experience teachers. I guess I've got something to thank my enemies for.

Right now, something I've grasped has bothered me. I won't divulge for fear of it becoming known in some "conservative and traditional circles." But I reached a conclusion for doing that questionable "daily constitution": I'm lonely. And I tend to immerse myself in some problem of schizophrenic and obsessive-compulsive nature. But really, I think I'm making these things up. So now, it has to stop. And maybe that "daily constitution" will cease, someday.

It's time for a change, no?

Times are Changing

2008-05-27T21:38:00.003+08:00

I find these two poems perfectly apt for the times:

On Children by Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let our bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Parents should always be reminded of Gibran's words. They should not condescend to their children and use experience as a raison d'être for every wrong thing they see in their children. Likewise, this poem should be able to tell parents not to expect too much from their child. Just as they are mere humans, so is their young-- human, capable of committing errors and making wrong choices (not that I'm in a rut right now!).

One can get so angry at people they love!

The other poem is:

The Road Not Taken
by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

This poem's for all the people who tried to dissuade me from pursing a career other than an MD. Stop running my life for me!

Goodbye?

2008-05-18T22:42:00.003+08:00

Well, if tomorrow goes smoothly, it might be my last day ever to walk on UST's ground.

Frankly, I don't feel the emotions that usually accompany the ending of a life's chapter. Be that as it may, I'm going to have a shot at re-creation. I'll be able to renew my image, my personality, in fact, everything about me, must change.

But I do feel sad that I'm not going to see my friends anymore. I won't be able to harass Buen, Girlie, Chenyl, Nicole, and, of course, Betz. Whenever I come to the realization that I'm going to UPLB, I keep suppressing the thoughts of making friends again, of making new acquaintances. Whatever, what's going to pass must pass anyway.

Since I've reached a denouement in my life story, maybe I can finally accept the thoughts of forgiveness. At first, I was a bit stubborn, fearing that to give in to forgiveness is to let everything pass as if it was alright between Them and me (can't say friends anymore so I'm going to use "Them" instead). But as one principal actor in the play texted me, it is really time for a new beginning. Yeah, I'm a wee bit ambivalent with rebuilding things between Them but that doesn't mean I'm not open to any reconciliation whatsoever. I don't know if I make any sense at all, but that's, as of the moment, all my mind and heart can muster (cheesy, right?).

As one quote goes:

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names (JFK).

To say the least, I miss Them. I miss the bonding, the drinking bouts, in fact, everything. But I'm too scarred, and I easily brood on the slightest hint of memories that should be forgotten. But in spite of all that happened, I can say I was a most loyal friend. It's not my place to point out everything I've done to them. But there you go.

Anyway, I miss most my Bencher friends. Now with them, "Them" can't do anything. I can easily block my mind whenever I'm with them. If given the chance to choose between the two of them, with "Them" promising a new beginning and the Benchers offering nothing but their truth, it's no contest. I'll choose the Benchers anytime.

Maybe, it's the end. Yes, I'm going on in circles, but anxiety of things to come have inhabited my body, and my mind is too weak to handle it. It effects the "remembrance of things past" forcibly: of truths that were hidden under the guise of manliness, of the sincerity that was hidden under the bush of looking tough, of the happiness suppressed by the horrors of responsibility. It forces me to make a list of things I shouldn't have done. And for the benefit of those people concern who actually read my rants, I'm going to list the few things that I've done that now I've wholeheartedly regret:

Making college friends. In retrospect, if I remained the taciturn oddball in our class, I wouldn't be writing these now. About 3 years ago, I was the only one in class who's not making any efforts to make friends. They think of me as a stuck-up snob. Now, I realize, if I remain that way, I could've been friendlier to everyone and still have distance. I wouldn't be involve in any trouble of intimacy--be it romantic or platonic.

Having chosen a clique. In what should have been left in high school continued all the way up to our college class. If I hadn't chosen any group at all, I would've felt more secured and I wouldn't have been doing things that I am doing now (I can't publicly disclose it--smirks mischievously--but if you know me, you probably know what that is).

Going to the retreat. Ugh! If I could turn back time, I wouldn't have come to the retreat. It gave me a false sense of security! It just didn't work out for me okay? I shouldn't have changed things you know? I could've remained silent but thanks to the urging of "Them" decided to patch things up with the people I disagree (emphasis on the present tense!).

And the list goes on. I feel so energized and yet so angry. As if my heart's ready to burst. But I guess this is my therapy.

Goodbye for now.

Into the Wild

2008-05-10T20:08:00.002+08:00

Wow. It's such a great movie. Somewhat tragic but definitely one of the best films I've ever watched. I don't know about some other people, but I truly empathize with Emile Hirsch's character, Chris McCandless. It's like waking something in me again. Now, Chris journeyed with meager supplies, taking a few odd jobs to meet a few ends meet, then culminates in the Alaskan wilderness. He left because of his parents: their constant fights and the discovery of a truth about their Father having another family. In both ways, his disappearance made the relationship between his mother and father a whole lot better, but sadly, he was not able to experience that new thing; and he gets to undertake an "aesthetic" voyage.

Now, as I was watching the DVD, one gets to recognize a few elements that it will end in tragedy. During the whole duration of the movie, I imagined what it would be like at the movie's ending--first, naive I was, I thought everything is going to be all right; and finally, once can't help imagine his adapting himself again to a society which he shunned, or to put it more properly, how will he live his life. The mind wanders, sigh.

Sadly, it is a tragedy that he died. And I guess it's part of the aesthetics of the film. If it ended in what most people expect, Sean Penn's masterpiece wouldn't be one at all. It'll be just another run of the mill adventure movie.

It's tearing my heart: his dying moments when he grasped that happiness is real when it is shared, his acceptance of his death (this is when he wrote: "I have had a good life and thank the Lord. Goodbye and may God bless you all."), his vision of meeting again his parents. I've had tears welling up in my eyes.

Anyway, Emile Hirsch's just a great actor. His being an actor can't be appreciated in Speed Racer (which just opened two days ago) so I highly recommend this movie if you want to see his full acting prowess. He is so convincing in playing a troubled man that if ever J.D. Salinger finally agreed to have Catcher in the Rye made into a movie, Hirsch should play Holden Caulfield. He'll play the part perfectly.

So, go on watch this movie now. Geez, I haven't raved a movie like this since after watching Akira Kurosawa's Dreams.

'Bye all.

Muy Excitado

2008-05-06T19:54:00.003+08:00

So about yesterday. The happenings before made me sleep a little less and me worry about the future a great deal more. But I really can't stay down in the dumps. I've a life to live. Then, imagine when an e-mail informed you that not only you were accepted at one of the best schools in the PI but your adviser will be one of the most respected in her fields....

When I received that e-mail I was in a state of heavenly bliss. Har har har.

But what made me more happy is the prospect of a new life. Sure, I know it'll be harder. But this is what I want. What I wanted all along. All along, I've known what's in store for me: someday, I'll go far away, far from my family. Sure, my family are far from perfect but they're all I have and I love them. Living 2 hours away from Manila will present more challenges.

Then again, I'll be far away from my past. Finally, I can ignore it and maybe it'll stop haunting me.

Oh, I remember something, yesterday, I was at UST. I just can't believe that, as I was walking the paths leading to my old college building, I'm finally free. It sounds cheesy, yes, but it's what I've felt. And it's what I've been longing for since March. And God gave me a chance.

I will never lose this chance. I'll start a new life. Although I admit old habits die hard (hehehe), but I'm going to give my best, my all. I'm going to make something of myself. I'll prove them wrong.

WTF?

2008-05-05T20:28:00.002+08:00

Well, how shall I put it? Hmm. First, just this morning I was in a very good mood. Having been informed by the UPLB Graduate School that I was admitted to their Master's program, I can't help but be in a good mood. In and out of me, I was smiling! But awhile later, this cheerful mood was treaded upon by the most dreadful news one can ever receive: death. So there I was, ready to set out to UST when my mom received a call from my ninang. My dad's cousin (ergo, my uncle) was hit by a 14-wheeler truck (according to my sources). Dead on arrival.

That news sure has shaken me. I don't know much about my uncle but he's young. I just can't accept it that someone at the prime of their life dies so suddenly. It's just...grotesque. I know I'm being incoherent but I think it's preferable to die due to old age or a disease. Getting hit by a truck is too close to being murdered. And by what I have heard, the driver of the truck left his vehicle and ran away (As I'm typing this, my mom said that his family were already filing a case against the company).

Frankly, I'm very afraid. The world has become too dangerous to live in.

What Would Make Me Really Happy

2008-04-08T23:22:00.004+08:00

Ah, it's refreshing to have something put into my blog. Anyway, over this summer, I thought about a few things that I would like to have if I had a job. Or the money anyway, hahaha. Here are some things that my heart really desires and would more than compensate the depression and boredom I usually have during the summer season.

Number 1 on my list is a Nintendo DS Lite.

I once opted for a PSP Lite but I found (remember this is my opinion, no need to delve into the handheld console wars) the controls hurting all of my ten digits. And I'm not really into the PSP's game list. I prefer playing Super Mario than God of War anyway.

Another reason why I chose the DS is that it's a lot cheaper. My savings, in fact, is too exhausted to buy anything that's worth over 20k. (Hey, with lots of freebies at 10k, the DS Lite is the winner in terms of price!).

Now for number 2, is the Louis Vuitton Damier Geant Citadin PM (yup, complete with the model type! hehehe)

(Sorry, I can't find a better picture. Just visit LV's site to view this and other great stuff). Let me tell you this, I'm not fashionable. Never in my life did I qualify to the people's expectations of looking great. Ah...but when it comes to bags, that's another matter. My brother and I collect bags just as he collect sneakers. I have quite a collection ranging from Nike to Lacoste. Usually, I opt for Lacoste bags since they have this certain appeal that gives you an air of class. However, if I have a Louis Vuitton bag, that would make a lot of difference! My trashy clothes won't be notice if I'm sporting this Citadin PM. A lot of my acquaintances seem to think a Louis Vuitton is tacky. And these people are the so-called fashionistas in my circle. Whew boy! They couldn't have been more wrong. Anyway, first, I never thought there was a Louis Vuitton for men (yep, I lived a sheltered life) but when I finally visited their site, I was in love! LOVE! Now, if I just have the money, I'd buy all the Men's line in their shop at Greenbelt. I'm now envisioning myself asking my parents to buy me a Louis Vuitton bag. If ever this comes to full realization, I think I'll laugh my ass off when my father gives me the signature frown! Hahaha. Thinking about it now is making my stomach tickle!

So, that's it for now!